Today I had some extended time alone. I did a good bit of thinking and praying. I seem to have these times when I do some deep digging in the scriptures (I'm studying the Psalms of Ascent 120-134) then time and space to process what it all means to me and what my correct response to it all is. I guess everyone does this. ?? I was pulling out of the parking lot of Target thinking of how much more I feel fear now than when I was younger. I feel like some pieces of the puzzle came to me.
Over the past many years I have been seeking to become a gentle LADY. I'm not naturally bent like that. I've always been more like one of the guys, I think. Being vulnerable and gentle have been scary propositions, for many years that seemed SO weak. I've had many life lessons to teach me otherwise. I think I kept anger as my primary mode of relational operation to keep people out of my way, and keep the path "safe" and clear. I was so quick to cut with my words and tell a body exactly what I thought of them or their actions. Unafraid. No, not unafraid, quite the opposite! Totally afraid, just trying to keep rejection and hurt at bay. Totally unaware of just how scared I was.
I posted that I am seeking to lay aside baggage, and in some instances, get rid of life habits that were formed out of already resolved baggage. I am!! In 2 weeks I've thrown away, or given away 20 bags of STUFF! I've started losing weight, and not using the things, or looking to the people I was before to fill the empty places in my life, heart, and soul. I'm a bit stunned at the fears that are under all the clutter in my heart. I am turning each one over to the Lord, and trusting his faithful, loving hand.
I've done tons of hard things in my life while scared and uncertain of the outcome. So it is with this leg of the journey. I think I will let the Lord be the tornado, and blaze the path I'm to trod, fight the battles that aren't mine, and strengthen me to live in the moment with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, accepting what's given with a heart of gratitude, not a demand for what I want or think I need.
I pray for a gentle, quiet, honest, fearless, and adventuresome spirit. I want to still live out loud, just saying all the right stuff now.
The journey continues...
4 comments:
Girl, I love you! Excellent, honest, transparent...I especially love seeing your willingness to be changed and molded into His image.
Pray for Missy. She's a sick puppy!
I've read this post a couple times over the last few hours, and I don't know quite what to say. Although my fear shows itself differently than yours, I was surprised at how well you summarized my life in some of these sentences.
Am looking forward to further posts!
Thank you Marsha and Gwen.
What a great post!
BTW...I've heard of the Nettie Pot but too chicken to try it. What exactly is the sinus kit you tried?
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