Grace for the Journey

Since this Spring I have been rather quiet in blogdom. I have been mulling over much in this grey matter of mine. Back in the early months of the Spring I had a relapse of the inner ear junk that caused some anxiety a while back. It came back in force and caused me to have a panic attack with much anxiety, and some other difficulties. I also had a child turn 14. For some reason this presented me with MUCH struggle. The struggle was in no way with the child, but in the letting go of the child and embracing the young man he is becoming. I have begun this process and am enjoying the letting go more as I am seeing the blessings of God's design in this order...I let go, he takes up responsibility. BEAUTIFUL!!! Simple, not easy. The Lord used the illness to force me to begin to really let go.

I have been pondering these last many months, the whole idea of grace. I started meeting with a lady from my church about a year and a half ago. We've been reading books together and discussing. She is around 60, one of the godliest women I have ever known, a consummate woman, sweet, and petite. About as opposite from me as you can get. This woman has lived through many hard things and has come out loving Jesus and others more. She never talks about sin, hers or anyone else's without also talking of the Grace of God. This woman makes me so hungry for more of Christ's life lived through my own. Many days it feels like I need a complete person transplant to be anything like her. Tis true! Back in early Spring, a couple of weeks before my illness struck, we were talking about many things, and she was talking about how as a parent it all boils down to grace. I've heard many parents that have raised and launched their children speak with this glow about God's grace. Honestly (and I've since shared this with her) I've always privately thought "come on, get real, you KNOW you want to accept some of the credit for how well your kid turned out". I see now how short sighted that perspective is and am so very thankful I've never said that out loud. It DOES boil down to God's grace. For me, and for my children. For everyone. If my children follow the Lord, it's because they have seen their need of Him, and are making the choice to follow Him. If they don't it is God's grace they need to turn (or return) to. It's grace that will keep me loving them, praying for them, seeking Him for the grace to go on despite their choice to leave what we desired for them, what their Father in Heaven desires for them, and what they were taught. It's all about GRACE!!!

Recently I have been confronted with the need to extend grace. I received a phone call from a person that has done much harm financially (both directly and indirectly) to my husband, and thus to our whole family. I thought I was "over" it. Apparently I'm not as far along as I thought I was. This person called and needed some spiritual encouragement and advice. I did the right thing and gave them the only thing I have...Jesus, and His ultimate sacrifice on the cross and desire to have intimate fellowship with them. Later that day I had so many thoughts flood my mind of what I SHOULD have said (if you know me well, you know what this looks like). Thankfully, I came back to my desire for this person to be in right relationship with the Lord. Not only was it necessary to extend grace, but I need it to keep me from bitterness. I didn't come into this world with anything, and I won't leave with anything. It's just stuff. JUST money!!! Then several nights ago I had a conversation with someone in my family that I have looked at through eyes of judgement for many of my years on this planet. Especially, since I've been a parent. It is easy to look back when you are a parent and judge decisions made on your behalf with a bit of pride (whether right or wrong) thinking "I would have NEVER done it like that". I was listening to this person tell me how they have been reliving being sexually abused at 11 by a person of the same sex. WOW!!!! I knew stuff went wrong in this person's childhood, but had NO idea. Later that night, I just sat up thinking about all that this person said to me and thought about how life must have been for this person during all those years I was being impacted directly by their life and decisions. As an adult, I can kick off my own Birks and slide my foot into theirs and imagine what life must have been for them, and rejoice over what they DID do for my good, no matter how big or small. By God's grace I was able to move beyond my long held position (with hands on hips) of "well you SHOULD have...". Yeah, so what!! Grace, it's all about grace. I need it. I need to give it. I want to be judged through a lens of grace. I must extend it.

In each instance here, I feel like the Lord is teaching me to look at long roads both behind and before that sometimes look rather dusty and desolate and stake grace posts along the way. The cross!!! It all goes back to the cross. I can receive forgiveness, grace and mercy there. I can leave my hurts, bitterness and wounds there and walk away free and healed.

The Lord is a much different Father than I have thought Him to be. He is far more generous, much more loving, and desires much better for me than I can even begin to imagine. He ISN'T selfish, and won't give me anything that is broken down. The stuff that gets broken down is the stuff that sin touches. That is where the cross comes in.

Thank you loving Father for that cross. Teach and enable me to live there more than I ever have.