We're off to Charleston, Sc. See ya' Tuesday!!!!

Getting Ready

This weekend, while in Tn, I picked up several varieties of Zinnias, Mammoth and Velvet Queen Sunflowers, Soybeans, 1/2 Runner, and Peanut Beans (green beans), along with some Okra. I can't wait to plant!

Motherhood

The other night as I sat in a theatre listening to sweet melodies I felt waves come over me of wanting to just sit there and sob. No one thing was bothering me. I didn't even really feel bothered. I just felt overwhelmed by life. It was one of those weeks where it was only Wednesday and it felt like it should be Friday. The Dawg was teaching after a full day of work on the day before the concert, and the day after. The kids were missing him. The kids were having a terrible time getting along. I was feeling impatient, just wanting them to perform well, and make me feel like I was making a real difference. I was keenly aware of finances, time pressures, areas in the lives of our kids that I can't control, and honestly, want to. Many other pressures not worth listing. I wanted so badly to just sit there and let the pressure off. I seem to need to do this about once a month. I am learning to take time, get in my car, drive for a little while, play a sad song, and have a good cry. I don't like to cry, but it sure helps when I feel that Mom pressure thing. I know it's that because after I let the valve go, my world is suddenly better, and brighter. A much happier place. I didn't cry because I knew my daughter, sitting beside me would be concerned, and my husband was already checking me to see if I was crying. I swollowed hard and kept my game face on.

I have had several conversations of late with various people about many things pertaining to Motherhood. One was with a friend whose parents have divorced recently. We discussed what her mother's life could have been like if she hadn't spent so long with her dad trying to make things work for the kids. That sparked thoughts about that woman as a woman, not just "my friend's mom". I know that is strange, but as a kid, I didn't really see my Mom, or my friend's mothers as women or individuals. They were "just moms". I guess that meant in my mind that they were doing all they had ever dreamed of, were loving every minute of it, and were absolutely fulfilled. That is odd to me now, but I must have felt that way, as is evidenced by how hard I've been struck by the thoughts of many women/mothers in my life that I had no thought of as individuals with hopes, dreams, desires, joys, disappointments, and fears. WOW!!

I move along to thoughts of my own mother, and I must say, she set an example of a woman that was doing what her heart longed to do since she was a little girl. She was fulfilling her dream. Mother of 3. It's inspiring to think how she planted seeds in my heart that I began to build dreams around. Dreams of being a wife and mother, and feeling fulfilled within the roles. My mom has expressed that she didn't have dreams of doing something else, just for things to have worked out better in her marriage to my dad, and to have been able to live the dreams she built. What a grief that still has to be.

I had another conversation with someone who from my vantage point lives a pretty exciting life. A life where dreams and hard work are coming together beautifully. A life of very little responsibility for anyone save herself, yet she wondered out loud to me if when all is said and done, she will regret not having children, not having a family, and seeing that she really does think she wants a family. I can only imagine that for this gal, the road here to there seems VERY LONG. It would involve so many life changes, so many good-byes. Odd to think of.

Another person had some observations more of my husband than me, but did make mention of their time with our family and sees it as the "good life". If I'm completely honest, I have to agree. Though not the perfect life, not a life without pressure, and a life that at times feels like we may be chasing rainbows, since we have made many choices for our family that are rather counter cultural. In the end it is working, I AM living my dreams, and am living a life full of purpose, while doing what I WANT to be doing.

This motherhood thing, while not for everyone, it does indeed make for a good life.

Visit

This picture was taken back in September when the Everybodyfields were passing through and stopped in for lunch and a short visit.

We went to their show in Charlotte Wednesday night. They were playing with a band we've never seen before, the Greencards. What a great night of music we enjoyed.

They stopped in Thursday for lunch and several hours of visiting and play. They played on the tire swing, rode bikes, jumped the ramp, sat around telling stories, played Lego, and just chilled for a bit. It was great to get to know each of them a little better as people, not just listening to them as performers. They're a great bunch, and we look forward to more visits in the future.

You guys come back anytime!

Science Project

This week our oldest child built these boxes for a science project all 3 of our children are doing this year. They will see if this type of gardening by the square foot is really more productive than the traditional row gardening.

I'll keep you updated.

Leaving

Getting these birds raised, and out of the nest is a process. I know that from the moment my children took their first step, they started walking away. Leaving, if you will. That is most certainly part of my job, raising them to leave. Putting myself out of a job. It is constant, hard at times, wonderful, joyful, and sad all at the same time.

Of late I've noticed some new behaviors going on with our oldest. To be quite honest, I've been feeling very bugged by what I've seen. Nothing that is flat out wrong, just an attitude that I haven't understood. He is about to turn 14. He is becoming a man and ready to start leaving the nest. It IS exciting at one level, yet it leaves me with a need to let go of him and let go of my role in his life in a whole new way. While that's exciting, it's sad too. There are aspects of his life he wants to run, and others I am still very much running. So much of the struggle is the simple fact that he no longer wants to be told what to do. He will learn that he will be told what to do by SOMEBODY for the rest of his life. I'm all for letting go, we're just in the process of me letting go, and him taking hold.

More than anything, I've been impressed and even convicted of the need to pray through so much with him. When our kids are younger they seem to take the things we say, trust that they are absolutely true and right, think we're so smart, and agree with everything we say. This is good for my ego. As they get older they want to think for themselves, even if they are saying things that are flat out dumb! This is not good for my ego.

This week I've kept my mouth shut, and just been praying about the things I see. Yesterday I was able to ask a simple question about something I could tell had bothered him with an individual. Something that brought every bit of his struggle front and center. It became such a teaching moment. He was wide open, and I was reminded of something vital that I had forgotten. TALK WHILE DRIVING OR COOKING. I remember with my step-daughters that was the best time to talk about something that was hard to discuss. It was non-threatening for them to sit on the counter or washing machine(we have an old house and mine is in my kitchen) and talk when I was "busy". I think it took the feeling of being confronted out of the mix. After our talk, and having the opportunity to clearly spell out things I know are at play with him, and him giving me that look (the one I love!) that says "Wow, you KNEW that?" things felt so much better between us, and I had this sense that at a whole new level I was letting go, giving another nudge out of the nest, and he was fluffing his feathers and getting those wings ready to fly.

Lord, grant us the grace to launch these children to your care and will. Keep us and them at it.