Motherhood

The other night as I sat in a theatre listening to sweet melodies I felt waves come over me of wanting to just sit there and sob. No one thing was bothering me. I didn't even really feel bothered. I just felt overwhelmed by life. It was one of those weeks where it was only Wednesday and it felt like it should be Friday. The Dawg was teaching after a full day of work on the day before the concert, and the day after. The kids were missing him. The kids were having a terrible time getting along. I was feeling impatient, just wanting them to perform well, and make me feel like I was making a real difference. I was keenly aware of finances, time pressures, areas in the lives of our kids that I can't control, and honestly, want to. Many other pressures not worth listing. I wanted so badly to just sit there and let the pressure off. I seem to need to do this about once a month. I am learning to take time, get in my car, drive for a little while, play a sad song, and have a good cry. I don't like to cry, but it sure helps when I feel that Mom pressure thing. I know it's that because after I let the valve go, my world is suddenly better, and brighter. A much happier place. I didn't cry because I knew my daughter, sitting beside me would be concerned, and my husband was already checking me to see if I was crying. I swollowed hard and kept my game face on.

I have had several conversations of late with various people about many things pertaining to Motherhood. One was with a friend whose parents have divorced recently. We discussed what her mother's life could have been like if she hadn't spent so long with her dad trying to make things work for the kids. That sparked thoughts about that woman as a woman, not just "my friend's mom". I know that is strange, but as a kid, I didn't really see my Mom, or my friend's mothers as women or individuals. They were "just moms". I guess that meant in my mind that they were doing all they had ever dreamed of, were loving every minute of it, and were absolutely fulfilled. That is odd to me now, but I must have felt that way, as is evidenced by how hard I've been struck by the thoughts of many women/mothers in my life that I had no thought of as individuals with hopes, dreams, desires, joys, disappointments, and fears. WOW!!

I move along to thoughts of my own mother, and I must say, she set an example of a woman that was doing what her heart longed to do since she was a little girl. She was fulfilling her dream. Mother of 3. It's inspiring to think how she planted seeds in my heart that I began to build dreams around. Dreams of being a wife and mother, and feeling fulfilled within the roles. My mom has expressed that she didn't have dreams of doing something else, just for things to have worked out better in her marriage to my dad, and to have been able to live the dreams she built. What a grief that still has to be.

I had another conversation with someone who from my vantage point lives a pretty exciting life. A life where dreams and hard work are coming together beautifully. A life of very little responsibility for anyone save herself, yet she wondered out loud to me if when all is said and done, she will regret not having children, not having a family, and seeing that she really does think she wants a family. I can only imagine that for this gal, the road here to there seems VERY LONG. It would involve so many life changes, so many good-byes. Odd to think of.

Another person had some observations more of my husband than me, but did make mention of their time with our family and sees it as the "good life". If I'm completely honest, I have to agree. Though not the perfect life, not a life without pressure, and a life that at times feels like we may be chasing rainbows, since we have made many choices for our family that are rather counter cultural. In the end it is working, I AM living my dreams, and am living a life full of purpose, while doing what I WANT to be doing.

This motherhood thing, while not for everyone, it does indeed make for a good life.